Down? Yes.

But, not out.

I still have a roll, and for the buy in I have had to drop down to, I have about 65 buy ins. Frankly, though, it would probably be more +EV to just freaking make a deposit, and stop being so bent on not depositing again.

I.just.don't.want.to.deposit.again.

I played a 400 fpp, and made it to the 4,000 over the weekend. I unregistered, and had plenty of fpps. I played a 400+r+a event to the Sunday guarantee, and figured myself to be a lock to get into it. The amount of fpps people spend in these things, you are pretty much a 1 in 10 shot...AT LEAST. No, I should rephrase that...top 10 percent goes, and I felt pretty much like a lock to get into that.

I spent most of my fpps to crash in the 2nd hour. Pretty much nothing went my way during the rebuy, but I was gambling nonetheless. No big hands at all. So, I wrecked my fpp stockpile completely to try to get into a 215.00 event so I could unregister and add to my roll. Smart.

In the 400 to 4000 event, here was my grade:
Control of emotions: A
Basic Strategy: A
Proper Judgment: A

400 rebuy to 215?
Control of emotions: A
Basic Strategy: D
Proper Judgement: D

I controlled my emotions, however, I gambled TOO much in the rebuy, and didn't use the best judgement after the rebuy in trying to accumulate.

I also played a 2.00 event with 991 entrants, and was well on my way to the final table. I had plenty of chips, twice the average, less than ten tables, and in two hands, I was gone.

2.00 tournament w/991 entrants.
Control of emotions: D
Basic Strategy: A
Proper Judgement: D

It's hard not to make them all bad grades, but my strategy was great in this event. However, at one point, after a player reraised me all in after I raised his blinds twice in a row, I called out of madness (why?) with 74o. He had A9. So, essentially, he felt that his A9 was good enough if I called with whatever I had (and he was right). I was thinking, "How dare you fucking reraise me like that, you better fucking fold when I raise your blinds." HA! No one has to fold SHIT when you raise their blinds. Kudos to him for reraiseing me. I am not sure what tipped him off that I was raising with crap, however, it doesn't really matter. I just fold my crap to an all in like anybody would. I did almost win the hand though...lol.

So, earlier today, I contemplated quitting. Then, I thought...why? As poker players, we're always knocked down. Every day. We should just get right back up. Then, I asked, do I have a gambling problem? I don't think so. If I do, I would like to know what context it is in. For example, my spending on poker doesn't in any way impact my financial resources. I don't forgo doing the things I need to do for poker. I don't miss appointments, or skip work for poker (I did skip work to play golf by myself a few times, was that something I should seek help for?). I've lost money in poker...I've lost about as much money as a ranked player spends on tournaments in three days. Maybe not even that much. It's still a loss....I've heard of 100x (litterally 100) worse losses. And, those losses would have HAD to impact the player's financial resources, whereas mine doesn't. My losses are probably the equivalent to a person's spending on going out to bars on the weekend.

So, I haven't quit. And, I won't. If I lose what's in my account now...I'll probably quit. I just don't want to deposit ever again.

I did play a live event, and went on tilt again. I still cashed, got 5th, however, I was on tilt from something the dealer did. I won't go into it, it happened, I went on tilt, shouldn't have, it's my fault, move on.

It was a shootout, and you had to get top two at your table, then you move to the final table. I pretty much steadily moved up in chips at the first table, and I had good cards. I might have only had one showdown, and that was against an all in players, and I had 3 of a kind.

At the final table, I had two players to my left that were just bad. I mean BAD! They were the worst two players at the final table, yet they continued to stay. Eventually, one of them busted out, and the other was left. I felt he was so weak that he would fold to any raise I made, and I was right. However, I had been raising with such crap, and having to show that eventually no one wanted to put up with my shit. Eventually, I went out because a player picked up KJ suited, and he thought for a while, but called me when I pushed his blind with 95. Good call actually, as it was short handed, and I couldn't get a thing going. I hated losing that final table though because I felt I was the best player at the table. But, it doesn't mean anything if you can't control your emotion, and my emotion was fucked by the dealer doing something unethical to me.